Emu War (Mini-Wars 4)/Transcript

OverSimplified: This is Australia. For the man who imagines being strangled by a tarantula while a kangaroo breaks his kneecaps and thinks, "Mmm. Yes please." For the man who pictures himself being eaten by a snake in the burning Outback while eating a Vegemite sandwich and thinks, "MMM YES, PLEASE!" And that man was Governor Arthur Phillip, who landed in eastern Australia in 1788, presumably saw a dingo being eaten by a crocodile, being eaten by a Death Adder, being eaten by a koala, being eaten by Mel Gibson, and thought to himself, "Yes, ... G o o d." Now I know what you're thinking.

You: But OverSimpified, the British didn't discover Australia. The Vikings did.

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Meanwhile, in New York...

Person 1: "Buy! Buy! Man, this is great! The market will continue to grow forever!"

Person 2: "But what if it dosen't?"

Person 1: "OH CRAP! I never thought of that. SELL! SELL!"

OverSimplified: And the stock market crashed, which led to economic downturn, which meant that banks wouldn't lend anyone any money, which led to MORE economic downturn, which meant everyone stopped buying stuff, which led to MORE economic downturn, and—

Hey! What if all the crops in the Great Plains were destroyed in a drought and then a big dust storm engulfed the area? That's right! More economic downturn. And in an effort to combat the crisis, America began imposing tariffs on foreign imports, which made the economic downturn go global, and the Earth got really depressed. But one nation that was hit harder than most by the whole affair: Australia. The problem for Australia was that it relied heavily on its export industries, and in the current economic climate, no one was buying. To make things worse, Australia had introduced its own currency, and picked it onto the gold standard by the British pound. But then, the UK started messing with its own take on the gold standard, and if this is starting to sound confusing, then let me Oversimplify it for you.

Australia: "Hey, UK. Looks like my car is broken down. Want to give me a tow?"

United Kingdom: "No problem, friend. I got you."

* The UK puts the hook onto Australia's car*

* walks in British*

* opens car door*

* close car door*

(The United Kingdom drives themself and Australia off a cliff)

(Explosion)

OverSimplified: More economic downturn! The point I'm trying to make is things weren't good. And in particular, it was Australia's farmers that were suffering most. After the First World War, Australia had given returning veterans land for farming. But with the current economic crisis, the farmers just weren't making enough money. And many left to go find work in the cities, but for those who remained, things were about to get even worse.

(Dramatic music)

OverSimplified: Before we get into that, it's time for some cultural exchange.

United States: "My national bird is the bald eagle. It's a strong, patriotic symbol of America, and a deeply valued and protected species."

India: "My national bird is the peafowl. It's a beautiful creature whose vivid colors represent India, so we list it as a protected species."

Australia: "My national bird is the emu, and it's a PEST."

(Silence)

Australia: "Also, bloody delicious!"

OverSimplified: Emus, six feet tall, 9 to 120 pounds, and able to run at speeds up to 40 miles per hour, usually return to the coast after their breeding season, but suddenly they found Western Australia full of lush, wet, farmland.

An emu: "Oh my! Look at all this delicious wheat that just so happens to be growing here in large quantities.  Hey guys, get a load of this!"

* Emus enjoying wheat*

A rabbit: "Hey! Who left this big hole in the fence? Guys, get a load of this!"

* Rabbits enjoying wheat*

Farmer Bruce: "Ahhh, what a lovely morning for some farmi—" (Realizes his farm is empty) "WHAT!?  Those damned emus!  They have it in for me!  They're bullies!  They're nothing but bullies!"

Mrs. Bruce: "Calm down, Bruce. They're just animals. It's not personal."

An emu: "Hey farmer Bruce! Where did you find that hat? The toilet?"

Farmer Bruce: *thinks* "Yes..."

OverSimplified: 20,000 emus cost the already struggling farmers millions more pounds in lost crops and damages. The situation couldn't continue like this. Something HAD to be done. So in 1932, the farmers turned to the government for help. You think they'd go to the Minister of Agriculture, but these farmers said,

A farmer: "No! This is a job for the military."

OverSimplified: So they went to George Pearce, the Minister of Defense. That's right: Australia was to go to war with the emus, but not everyone was happy with the idea.

Person 3: "This is barbaric! We can't go slaughtering thousands of our own national bird."

George Pearce: "Oh, come on guys! The machine guns will make it quick and painless!"

Person 3: "MACHINE GUNS?! You're using machine guns!? This is animal cruelty!"

George Pearce: "Look, I know it's unusual, but it's not like we're poachers turning the birds into feather hats. Think of the benefits! It'll be good target practice for our boys, the government can show it took action, plus, I can get myself a nice new feather hat!"

* GASP*

George Pearce: "Uhhhhhh, did I say feather hat? I meant I want to—gether chat. With you! About getting you all some nice new feather hats!"

* GASP*

George Pearce: "Uhhh, did I say feather hats? I meant I want to wage—TERROR AT—these emus... and turn them all into feather hats!"

* GASP*

George Pearce: "DAMNIT!"

OverSimplified: Of course, Pearce first made the farmers sign an agreement saying that they would pay for the whole thing, and that Pearce wouldn't take any of the blame if the operation that was clearly very stupid turned out to, indeed, be stupid. And the operation went ahead. Major G.P.W. Meredith and his men were sent with two Lewis machine guns to hunt down and take out the evil emu population in Western Australia.

Jones: "Target spotted!"

(Shoots and kills an emo)

Major G.P.W. Meredith: "Well, was it an emu?"

Soldier: "No, sir. It's an emO."

Major G.P.W. Meredit: "Damn it, Jones! Learn your vowels!"

Jones: "I'm surry..."

Emu 198: "Okay, it looks like the humans are coming for us. But check this out. I've come up with an amazing plan. See if you can follow me here, okay? When they approach, we run away."

Another emu: "Sir... you're a genius."

OverSimplified: Pearce sent a camera crew along with the machine gunners to capture some good ol' propaganda for the government, and the first battle took place in November at Campion. The men spotted a mob of emus from a distance, so they set up the guns and opened fire. The emus split up into smaller groups and ran in every direction. The men were only able to kill what they called "a number of birds," but the vast majority got away.

Soldier: "CUT!"

Battle of Campion winner: Emus

OverSimplified: Surprisingly, many of the emus were able to take multiple bullets, but still run at full speed to safety, causing Meredith to compare them to tanks saying,

Major G.P.W. Meredit: "If we had a military division with the bullet carrying capacity of these birds, it would face any army in the world."

"Okay, we need to get closer."

(The soldiers get closer to him)

Major G.P.W. Meredit: "No, you idiots, not to me, to the emus!"

A soldier: "Oh, sorry."

Major G.P.W. Meredit: "No, no! ... (softly) I like it."

OverSimplified: So next, they tried sneaking up on a large number of emus near a local dam, and firing at short range. Maybe the men were just unlucky, but my professional opinion says the emus were magic, because both guns jammed after just 12 emus were killed. And once again, the rest got away.

Major G.P.W. Meredit: "CUT!"

Battle of the Dam winner: Emus

OverSimplified: The men were feeling a little humiliated after losing to a pack of discount ostriches, so they decided to move further south, where the emus were said to be tamer. And this time, they had a new strategy.

Major G.P.W. Meredit: "Okay, Jones. Here's the plan: you mount the machine gun in the back, I'll chase the emus, you shoot. Got it?"

Jones: "Got it."

(Meredit drives a truck while Jones fails to shoot some emus. Jones flies off the truck, which trips over a motionless emu.  The crash causes an explosion, setting the truck on fire.)

Major G.P.W. Meredit: "I'm gonna shove that camera up your—"

OverSimplified: The operation was a fiasco, and the press had a field day. In Parliament, Pearce was lambasted, and the opposition party members suggested that medals should be handed out to the emus, who'd won every round so far. Pearce, feeling quite humiliated, called the operation off, but four days later, the farmers approached again, and said,

A farmer: "Hey, man. The emus are still eating all our crops. Can you send the army back out here?"

OverSimplified: And Pearce was like,

George Pearce: "Yeah, okay."

OverSimplified: So the operation was back on for Round 2, and this time, Meredith and his men had learned the emus' guerrilla tactics, and were much more successful, with reports suggesting the men were cutting down 300 emus every week.

Major G.P.W. Meredit: "I hope you boys are getting great footage of this. (Realizes the cameramen are filming the wrong direction)  What on Earth are you filming?"

wut

OverSimplified: Despite the success, the media have lost interest in the whole thing. But with a thousand emus killed, Pearce finally ended the operation, and returned to Parliament declaring victory for the humans.

Person 3: "So there were 20,000 emus out there destroying crops and you've killed a thousand."

George Pearce: "Mm-hmm."

Person 3: "Meaning there's still 19,000 emus out there."

George Pearce: "Yep."

Person 3: "And in addition, you've burned through 10,000 rounds of ammunition."

George Pearce: "Uh-huh."

Person 3: "Meaning you wasted 10 rounds per confirmed kill."

George Pearce: "Thaaat's right!"

Person 3: Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and call this one for the emus."

George Pearce: (whispering) "at least i got a feather hat..."

Person 3: "What?"

George Pearce: "What?"

OverSimplified: So in the end, the emus won the Great Emu War of 1932, and the emus continued to wreak havoc on the farmers for years to come. The government introduced a bounty system, which saw some success, but for a moment, let's take some time to remember the brave men, who said goodbye to their families, and risked their lives to take on the great, evil emu population in Western Australia. But even more importantly, let's think of the friends they made, the bond they created, and the memories they shared.

♪Take me home

To golden fields and sights of days gone by

To where the heart lies

With stories un—♪

Person 4: "Hey, uh, guys? I solved the emu crisis."

Major G.P.W. Meredit: "Really? How?"

Person 4: "I just made some better fences."

(roasted)

* cheering*

(Outro)