The Russian Revolution/Transcript

Part 1
The Narrator: This video was made possible by NordVPN. Click on the link in the description below to get an amazing 68% off a two-year plan. Also, commemorating the weirdest bromance in history. Get your new character pins and Russian Revolution merch, available now. Link down below.

Jimmy's Mother: Hey, Jimmy. It's the 1800s, an exciting time to be alive. Why don't you get out there and explore the world?

Jimmy: Gee, whiz, mum. Thanks. This place is amazing. Where am I?

Frenchman: Why, you're in France, my boy. Here, we come up with wacky, new ways of running a country: liberty, egality, fraternity.

Jimmy: Whoa!

Britishman: Welcome to the United Kingdom. Here, we invented the train. Alllllll aboard.

Jimmy: Holy Smokes!

German person: You're in a German factory, my friend. Here, we harness fire and coal to create all these sexy lederhosen.

Jimmy: This is incredible. I can't wait to see where I'll end up next. ... Where am I?

Russian serf: *snort* You're in Russia.

Jimmy: Have I gone back in time?

Serf: No, this is just how it is.

Jimmy: Are you a farmer?

Serf: Worse. Technically, my landlord owns me, which makes me a serf.

Jimmy: I'm scared.

Serf: You should be because I haven't eaten in four days and you look pretty tasty.

Jimmy's Mother: Hey, Jimmy. How were your travels?

Jimmy: (crying) I hate you!

(soft melodic music)

Narrator: Russia in the 19th century: feudal, underdeveloped, and stuck in the past. While the rest of Europe had been modernizing and improving their citizen's lives, Russia's rulers were taking a different approach.

Russian: My Lord, we're falling behind the rest of Europe. It's time to industrialize, give the people rights, and share your power—

(bazooka exploding)

Narrator: Russian Tsars had no time for pathetic ideas like liberty and modernization because they were too busy having the time of their lives. While the serfs were breaking their backs in the fields, the Tsars held all the power, and they didn't have to listen to anyone. Wanna run the country like a backwards feudal kingdom while the rest of your pack paces humanitarian and economically? Go right ahead. Wanna keep the people uneducated so they don't get any ideas? There's no one to stop you. Wanna keep exporting grain even when there's a massive famine causing hundreds of thousands to die? That is your God-given right. While all of this was great for the Tsar, if you were literally anybody else, it probably sucked because Russia was falling behind. If they were to keep up with Europe, they'd need a strong ruler with some big ideas. Oh, look. Here comes one now.

Alexander II: Hey, everyone. It's me, Tsar Alexander II, and I've got some big news: I'm releasing you all from your serfdom. You're all free.

(crow cheering loudly)

Alexander II: Yep, I'm the best. Oh, there is one thing, though. I spoke to your local lords, and they weren't happy about losing all their free labor, so as a compromise, you're all gonna have to pay them back a near-impossible amount of money for the next 49 years. Expect your lives to barely change. Okay, bye.

Narrator: Now, I know what you're thinking: this Tsar Alexander II seems like a pretty cool guy. He's trying to reform the country and get Russia on the right path. Everyone must love this guy, right? Wrong!

Distraught Russian: Why does one man get to decide the fate of everyone in the country? This whole system is dumped. Somebody should do something.

Assassin: Like what?

Distraught Russian: Like, kill the Tsar.

Assassin: You're gonna kill the Tsar?

Distraught Russian: Well, me? No, I'm busy. I was kind of hoping you'd do it.

Assassin: Okay.

Alexander II: See, the people love me. They're throwing flowers, confetti, and HIGH-GRADE EXPLOSIVES?!

(bomb exploding loudly)

Alexander III: Okay, Nicholas. Your grandfather has a mild case of being blown up by a terrorist, and he's not looking too hot, so we're gonna go say our goodbyes, okay?

Maria Feodorovna: No, it'll be too scary for him.

Alexander III: Nonsense, it won't be scary at all. We're just gonna say a quick goodbye. Ready?

Alexander II: Boy, look at me. The people did this to me and one day, they'll do it to you!

Alexander III: See? It wasn't scary at all.

Narrator: So Alexander II was dead, but luckily, they had another Alexander lying around: Alexander III, and he felt his dad's reforms had weakened the Tsar's authority. Russia was massive, and as a result, had many ethnic minorities.

Alexander III: Non-Russians more interested in their own cultural heritage than in loving me?

Optimistic Russian: Isn't it great? So much beautiful culture and diversity in our great nation—

(Alexander III fires a bazooka)

Narrator: Alexander thought all these minorities should be a little more "Russian" and thereby, loyal to him, so he repressed religious minorities. He repressed non-Russians. He introduced the Okhrana, a secret police force that repressed anybody who thought having a Tsar was dumb. If Alexander II was the great reformer, Alexander III was the great repressor.

Alexander III: Now, THAT's how you run a country.

Nicholas II: Hey, dad.

Alexander III: Oh, great. It's my son Nicholas, who I like to call a girly-girl because he's so weak and pathetic. When are you gonna grow up?

(Nicholas II grows to adulthood)

Alexander III: Eh, you still look like a girly-girl to me.

Nicholas II: But dad, I grew a beard.

Alexander III: Yeah, an ugly-girly girl beard.

(Nicholas II cries)

Narrator: If Nicholas was to one day be Tsar, he needed his dad to teach him how to run the country, but his dad instead suggested that Nicholas go somewhere else, so Nicholas went to Japan, got an edgy dragon tattoo, had his head sliced off by a policeman, and then came home.

Nicholas II: Okay, now will you teach me how to rule?

Alexander III: I suppose it's time. Okay, there's a lot you need to know before becoming Tsar—uh oh.

Nicholas II: What?

Alexander III: I've got kidney inflammation. (Dies)

Nicholas II: OOOoOoh NOoOoOo!

Narrator: Upon his father's death, a totally unprepared Nicholas II ascended to the Russian throne. He wasn't a reformer like his grandfather, nor was he a repressor like his dad. Nicholas was Nicholas: timid, easily swayed, and more interested in doing whatever the hell this is, or this, or this. He wasn't ready to rule, and he himself admitted it, saying,

Nicholas II: I'm not yet ready to be Tsar. I know nothing of the business of ruling.

Coroner: (Quickly whispering) Bit of an awkward time to bring it up.

Narrator: However, Nicholas firmly believed that he was chosen by God to be Russia's big daddy, and while he doubted his ability to rule, he was gonna give it his best shot, and hey, who knows? Maybe he wouldn't be so bad after all. To get things off to a good start, Nicholas promised free pretzels and beer to a huge crowd in Moscow to celebrate his coronation. So enticing a proposition to starving peasants that the ensuing stampede left nearly 1,500 people dead.

Nicholas II: What the hell happened?

Russian: We're not sure, but you're scheduled to go party with the French at 8:00.

Nicholas II: Shouldn't I stay here out of respect for the people?

Russian: When have Russian Tsars ever respected the people?

(upbeat music)

Narrator: Nicholas's decision to go party with the French immediately tarnished his image. Some were calling him Nicholas the Bloody. The Tsars had been partying hard at the expense of the people for long enough that emancipated the serfs but failed to lift them out of poverty. They used their secret police to crack down on anyone who might criticize them, and they had failed to modernize and give the people rights, something the rest of Europe had begun doing over a century ago. The rule of the Tsars was quickly becoming outdated, and more and more Russians began wondering if there was a better way. For many, the solution was simple: Just look to the West; republics, democracies, and constitutional monarchies galore. But a small growing group rejected that for an even better idea, a little something they called communism. Take Vladimir Lenin, a intelligent member of Russia's middle-class and also a massive, ill-tempered jerk. If you disagreed with him about anything, he wasn't afraid to call you out.

Vladimir Lenin: You fat-headed, simple-minded, vapid, cockeyed imbecile! Tenderheart Bear is a far superior care bear than Bedtime Bear.

(crying loudly)

Narrator: And he was no stranger to political unrest either. His older brother was executed for plotting to kill the Tsar, and Lenin himself was expelled from university for participating in a student protest. But how did Lenin go from being a middle-class nerd to the arbiter of socialist divinity? Well, to tell that story, we first need to go back a few decades to when a man named Karl Marx wrote a manifesto explaining how capitalism is a system whereby the stinky British oppressed and exploited the working masses and that only through class warfare could the workers rise up and enstate a communist utopia. Now, go back forward a few decades to Lenin reading that manifesto and loving it. But publicly admitting you loved Marx and not Russia's big daddy would get you the cruelest punishment imaginable, exile to Siberia.

Police: Enjoy exile where you'll live with your wife, chill around town, and secretly write socialist newspapers.

Vladimir Lenin: Hey, that doesn't sound so bad.

Police: And your mother-in-law's going to live with you.

Vladimir Lenin:

Narrator: Once Lenin finished his stint in Siberia, he left Russia for Europe, where he was free to hang out with other Russian Marxists and talk about how great communism was. Now, today, you might hear the word "communism" and think of this.

(The Soviet anthem plays while Bernie Sanders shoots Elon Musk with laser eyes)

Narrator: But that's not how intellectuals living under a Tsarist regime saw it. To them, communism promised the land where all were equal, where workers weren't exploited and even people like you could get a girlfriend, so Lenin joined a party of Russian communists living in Europe, and he founded a communist newsletter that was smuggled into Russia to try to radicalize the people. However, not everyone in the socialist party agreed with Lenin. In fact, they disagreed with him on a lot of issues, and Lenin was so uncompromising that he caused a split in the party. During one conference, a heated debate broke out, and Lenin was unwilling to give an inch.

Vladimir Lenin: You pig-ignorant, half-witted, fatuous morons! Cereal IS a soup!

Menshevik: Listen, Lenin. You're a smart guy, but you have no idea what you're talking about. We're out of here.

Vladimir Lenin: All in favor of cereal being a soup?

(Everyone who's left agrees)

Vladimir Lenin: Hey, would you look at that? We're in the majority.

Narrator: So Lenin set up his own faction within the party. He called the Majority, or "Bolshevik" if you're speaking Russian, and the other faction became known as the Minority, or "Menshevik." And oddly, the majority were often in the Minority and the minority in the Majority. The Mensheviks were less radical, whereas Lenin wanted the Bolsheviks to be loyal to him and his uncompromising ideas. And if you weren't loyal, well then, you're gonna get a big-brain beatdown. Mensheviks worried that Lenin's attitude could lead to a one-man dictatorship, but come on, does this guy look like a dictator to you? (Short pause) For now, Lenin remained in Europe, writing his socialist newspaper and impatiently awaiting an opportunity to overthrow the Tsar and bring communist utopia to Russia.

(Lenin strolls through the streets)

Vladimir Lenin: Cool, a free hat. (A person emerges) Who the heck are you?

NordVPN Guy (disguised as a Russian police officer): I'm definitely not a Russian secret police officer spying on Marxists.

Vladimir Lenin: Oh, crap. I don't want secret police watching me!

NordVPN Guy: Then you, my friend, (removes disguise) should use NordVPN.

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Sergei Witte: Hey Nick, we really got to industrialize, get more factories, and make some... I don't know... textiles or something.

Nicholas II: Won't that change the social fabric of Russia?

Sergei Witte: Maybe. Hey, isn't it past your bedtime?

Nicholas II: But I haven't had my milk and snuggles yet. Will... you snuggle me?

Narrator: Nicholas thought modernization was boring, but he let Sergei do his thing, and do his thing he did. He borrowed some money and got Russia some sexy factories. And you know what sexy factories means? Sexy workers—dirt-poor sexy workers. Long hours, low wages, filthy, disease-ridden factories, sleep in overcrowded dormitories with all your stinky worker friends, get your arms ripped off in a freak Russian dole accident—conditions were terrible. But this growing working class wasn't about to take it lying down. They started to do what workers do best: strike. Despite Sergei's efforts, people in Russia still weren't happy. Peasants were still poor, liberals still wanted reform, and now, the workers wanted better working conditions. And the problem with being an autocrat is that when everyone's unhappy, there's only person to blame: you.

Nicholas II: The people hate me! What do I do? Ooh, I know! Why don't we find a weak and pathetic nation to go to war with? We'll win easily, and everyone will love me again.

Sergei Witte: Why don't we just try treating the people better?

(Nicholas II fires a poop bazooka)

Narrator: As luck would have it, an opportunity for war was forming in the Far East. Russia wanted to expand its sphere of influence into Northern China and coincidentally, so did Japan, but Japan didn't really want war, so they proposed an idea to reduce the tension.

Emperor Meiji: Hey, man. We'll let you do your thing in Manchuria if you let us do our thing in Korea.

Nicholas II: Uhhhhh... I don't think so. We've got the largest army in the world. What do you have?

Emperor Meiji: I'm the Emperor of Japan. I have a giant Mecha suit...

Nicholas II: WOAH... cool.

Narrator: Nicholas and the boys didn't see Japan as a threat, so they felt they could push Japan around. But little did they know Japan had been rapidly militarizing, and when they launched a surprise attack on a Russian fleet at Port Arthur, everyone was shocked. Nicholas hoped it was an opportunity to win a quick war and regain the support of the people. Nobody seriously thought a puny Asian country could defeat a European superpower, and the Russian people were filled with patriotic spunk.

Nicholas II: Hey, everyone! We're at war with Japan!

(crowd cheering loudly)

Sergei Witte: (Whispering) We're losing the war.

Nicholas II: Hey, everyone... We're... losing the war.

(crowd booing loudly)

Narrator: The Japanese won, an embarrassing defeat for Tsar Nicholas. Russia had enough problems, but now it had been internationally humiliated. The public were outraged, unrest increased. Nicholas needed snuggles now more than ever. The tension was rising rapidly, and Russia was on the verge of revolution. All it needed was one disaster to push it over the edge, and that disaster would come in January 1905 from an unlikely source: a handsome Orthodox priest named Father Gapon. Father Gapon was leading workers and their families to the winter palace, but this wasn't some violent uprising; it was a peaceful protest. They wanted to deliver a petition to Nicholas, which simply asked for more freedom and better working conditions. The protest was actually so peaceful and respectful that the Marxists thought it was a big waste of time.

Sergei Witte: Hey, Nicholas. Some priest is leading a peaceful protest. It says here they wanna give you a petition.

Nicholas II: A peaceful petitioning priest? I better get out of here.

Narrator: Nicholas had actually left the winter palace days earlier, and in his place, they brought in a truckload of troops ordered to stop Father Gapon from reaching the palace.

Father Gapon: Hello, good sir, and long live the Tsar. Please, allow me to pass this simple petition towards our dear father Nicholas II.

Russian soldier: Good day to you, too. Please, allow us to respond by opening fire.

(Gunshots)

Narrator: What began as a peaceful protest ended in tragedy. Imperial soldiers opened fire on the crowd. Around 200 civilians died. 800 more were wounded. All they wanted was the opportunity to ask Nicholas to improve their lives. Instead, they were met with bullets. Nicholas didn't personally order the troops to fire, but as an autocrat, he got the blame. The event became known as Bloody Sunday, and Nicholas's reputation plummeted. Strikes erupted across the empire, workers' demands increased, liberals demanded political power, peasants demanded lamd. The country was out of control, and the 1905 Revolution had begun.

A Russian: Listen, Nicholas. Peasants seizing my land and murdering my family, I can tolerate, but illegally chopping my wood? That's obscene!

Another Russian: And the worse I treat my workers, the MORE they strike! I don't get it...

Nicholas II: Everyone, relax. As long as the military is still on my side, there's nothing to worry about.

Sergei Witte: Sir, the sailors are starting to mutiny.

Nicholas II: Well, my life just SUCKS!!

Narrator: With Russia still losing to the Japanese, unrest was growing in the military, and some sailors had even taken to killing officers. Having the people against you is bad enough, but if the military joined in, it would be game over. To make matters worse, in October, workers in Marxists, including one Leon Trotsky, began setting up local elected councils called Soviets that coordinated strikes and supplied the workers. Sergei could see the writing on the wall: things were going south fast, and he needed a big idea to save the Tsar, and luckily, he had just that. You see, all these angry people from different parts of society weren't really working together, meaning there was a weakness to exploit. Sergei wrote a manifesto that would give the liberals an elected assembly called the Duma. It took some convincing, but eventually, Nicholas agreed to share power and have his laws approved by an elected assembly.

Nicholas II: Hey, liberals. Here's your stupid manifesto. Happy now?

Liberals: We certainly are, but what about these guys? [Workers and peasants] Aren't you gonna give them what they want?

Nicholas II: Oh, goodness no! ... I was just gonna kill them.

Narrator: With the liberals satisfied and after ending the war with Japan, the Tsar brought thousands of troops home, who then dismantled the Soviets, arrested their leaders, and crushed the peasant uprisings in the countryside. And how about that pesky parliament Nicholas had agreed to share power with? Well, he then wrote a bunch of new laws, which basically said,

Nicholas II: Hey, remember that manifesto I wrote and how you guys were going to approve my laws?

Liberals: Mmmhmm.

Nicholas II: Sliiiiight change of plan. Actually, I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want, and you guys are gonna shut up!

Liberals: WHAT?! The people won't stand for this!

Nicholas II: People? WHAT PEOPLE?

Liberals: You know, this is why people don't like you.

Narrator: And just like that, Nicholas had survived the 1905 Revolution. But wait! A revolution in Russia? Where was Lenin? Well, Lenin and his communist pals were still in exile. He tried desperately to radicalize the uprising, but all he could do was watch as the movements failed to organize. The liberals sold out the poor, and the Tsar played the people. Furious, he believed Russia had missed a great chance for a real revolution. From now on, he felt the only way left was an armed revolution by the workers. Watching the events of 1905 unfold, Lenin learnt a lot. The Tsar, however, would prove to have learned nothing. After the 1905 Revolution had failed, the Tsar's new top man was Pyotr Stolypin, and he had big ideas to prevent any more chaos.

Pyotr Stolypin: Step 1: reform agriculture. This'll make the peasants love you.

Nicholas II: And step 2?

Pyotr Stolypin: Uhh... We'll kill anyone who doesn't.

Narrator: To discourage any more revolutionary ideas, Stolypin began to crack down even harder on the Tsar's opponents, and thousands were sentenced to death. The news even earned itself a new nickname: Stolypin's Necktie.

Criminal: I don't get it.

(An unspecified character wraps the tie around his neck)

Criminal: Ohhhh, I see. 'Cause it goes around my neck! That's so funny! (Gets executed) Bleuuggggh

Narrator: But despite the opression, many positive reforms were also being made, and the Russian economy even began to improve. This was a problem for Lenin. If the people weren't suffering, then they wouldn't support a revolution. Still in exile and lacking funds, the Bolsheviks simply weren't in a position to do anything. Luckily, it was around this time that Lenin met an incredibly handsome Georgian with your second-favorite historical mustache, Joseph Stalin. Lenin and Stalin met at a communist convention in Finland and Lenin liked Stalin because he was a real go-getter and was great at fundraising for the Bolsheviks. And by fundraising, I mean kidnapping, robbing, extorting, bribing, ransoming, assassinating, prison breaking, stealing, bank raiding, executioning, and stealing again.

Vladimir Lenin: Hey, Stalin. The Mensheviks aren't so hot on all this stealing, but we still need money, so the next time you do a big heist... just do it quietly...

Joseph Stalin: Okay. Quietly. Got it.

(guns firing loudly)

Joseph Stalin: If this isn't quiet, I don't know what is!

Narrator: Stalin's wacky antics eventually got him exiled to Siberia, but he had established himself as a big-balls Bolshevik. However, no amount of Bolshevik balls could stop what was happening. The Russian economy was making a recovery. For the Tsar, things were looking up.

Russian: This is great! All Nicholas has to do is sit back and not mess anything up.

Nicholas II: Hey, everyone. Big news! I'd like to introduce you to my new best friend. He's a crazy, drunken, beardy, horny, scandal-ridden magic wizard man, and he SMELLS LIKE A GOAT!

Russian: We're screwed.

Narrator: Rasputin: a dirt-poor peasant from dirt-poor nowhere, but unlike all the other dirt-poor peasants, Rasputin had holy healing powers, and when this holy mystic wandered into St. Petersburg, people began to notice. He quickly became famous and word this mystery man and his healing hands made its way to the royal palace. The appearance of a holy homeless healer was of great interest to the Tsar and his wife. As far as worlds go, they weren't that inbred, but they were just inbred enough for their son Alexei to get hemophilia, or in layman's terms, mama mia! That's a lot of blood! Knowing Rasputin could heal people, in 1906, Alexandra asked for Rasputin to come and see if he could cure their son, and crazy as it sounds, Rasputin did heal Alexei, possibly by taking him off his doctor-prescribed aspirin. Having seemingly done the impossible, Rasputin became very, VERY close to the royal family, but having a crazy, homeless wizard man hanging around wasn't a good look for the Tsar because Rasputin was freaky. Not only was he a big fan of alcohol, but he'd also throw these crazy parties with Russian nobility. (Censoring)—and nobody knew how the goat got on the roof. Initially, the press were banned from talking about Rasputin, but eventually, the ban was lifted, and the tabloids went to town. The whole thing was a huge scandal, and everyone was freaked out that this guy was influencing the Tsar and his wife. Nicholas could have spent this period of relative peace improving his image. Instead, he spent it doing this, but as weird as the whole Rasputin thing was, so long as the economy continued to improve and the people's lives kept getting better, maybe Nick would be okay. Maybe there would be no more revolutions. Maybe this video could even end right here or maybe things were about to get worse, a lot worse. You see, the years 1914, and that means it's for WW1. (dramatic music)

Part 2
(ominous sound)

Narrator: While Nicholas had been busy playing with his new best friend, tensions in Europe had been rising. It just so happened that in 1914, one Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary went for a drive with the top down in Sarajevo. One thing leads to another, and suddenly, Russia found itself at war with half of Europe. A wave of patriotism swept through Russia. The capital was renamed to Petrograd because St. Petersburg sounded a bit too German. Even revolutionaries were getting on board. To them, WW1 was a big, stinky, imperialist war, but they didn't want their big, stinky imperialist replaced by a foreign one, so pretty much everyone wanted Russia to win.

Vladimir Lenin: I hope Russia loses.

A Bolshevik: Geez, read the room, Lenin.

Narrator: Lenin hoped Russia would lose because that would help him overthrow the Tsar. As long as he did that, who cares if Germany blows up half the country? And blow up half the country they did. An inefficient Tsarist government meant there were shortages of just about everything you need to fight a war, and if losing a teensy-weensy war with Japan upset the people, losing a giant war like this was much worse. Soldiers were deserting, the economy was imploding, and in no time, Russia was starving. The peasants were getting more peasanty, the workers were getting more workery, all the while Germany was getting more Germanery.

Nicholas II: Dimitri, we need to win this war. I need someone with a great military mind to step in and take control.

Dimitri: You're right. How about General Hickelooper?

Nicholas II: How about me?

Dimitri: You can't run the war. Who'll be in charge of the country while you're gone?

Nicholas II: Obviously, my German wife and a homeless wizard. Duh!

Narrator: Nicholas declared himself Commander in Chief and went to the front lines, leaving his German wife in charge while they were fighting the Germans. It wasn't a good look, and because Alexandra was so close to Rasputin, people believe that he was actually calling the shots and secretly destroying Russia and maybe even boinking her, an even worser look. At this point, a bunch of nobles just couldn't take it anymore.

Boris: Rasputin is destroying the country. We have to break his magic spell over the Tsar.

Pavlovich: But how? He's magic.

Boris: Hmm.

Grigori Rasputin: (humming) Dude, VERY cool!

Pavlovich: Hey, it's Rasputin. The sexy party is running a little late, but in the meantime, why don't you try one of these totally-not-poisoned /s cakes?

Boris: (Whispering) Dude, why'd you say it like that? He's totally gonna know they're poisoned now.

Pavlovich: (Whispering) Shut up! I said they're not poisoned.

(Rasputin eats the poisoned cakes)

Boris: Dude, he just ate so much poison. How is he still alive?

Pavlovich: It must be the magic. Go with plan B.

(gunshots)

Boris: Is he dead?

(Rasputin howling and gunshots)

Pavlovich: See, Boris? I told you he was the antichrist and you didn't believe me.

Boris: Can you shut up for one minute and help me roll him up?

(grunting)

Pavlovich: Are you sure he's dead?

Boris: I don't know, but I'm supposed to be hosting a charity auction right now. Can we get this over with?

(water splashing and upbeat sound)

Pavlovich: Okay. Now he's dead.

Narrator: The murder of Rasputin, just like his life, is shrouded in mystery and speculation. He probably didn't really die like that, but he also probably didn't really heal people. He probably didn't influence the Tsar as much as people thought; he probably wasn't secretly destroying the country. But what he definitely did do, even in his death, was ruin the Tsar's reputation. Russian autocracy looked more outdated than ever, and the Russian people were taking notice.

Russian general: Come on, man. Remember what we're fighting for!

(Flashbacks)

Russian soldier: Yeah, no. We're out.

Narrator: WW1 left Russia broke, hungry, and exhausted, and with Nicholas acting as Commander in Chief, he was getting even more blame. For the second time, Russia was on the brink of revolution. By 1917, Russia had been fighting a war it couldn't afford for three years. They were running out of many things, most worryingly, food. On International Women's Day, 1917, thousands of hungry women in Petrograd were so sick of being hungry that they took to the streets, and it turns out it's not just women who experienced hunger, but men, too, so the next day, they joined in as well. Gatherings on the streets were forbidden, but I'm not sure how you'd arrest 250,000 people. The crowds demanded an end to the war, an end to food rationing, and even an end to the Tsar autocracy. Now, normally, the troops would deal with this kind of thing, but as it turns out, soldiers get hungry too, and they were also tired of having to kill their fellow Russians so much, so entire regiments mutinied in the capital, and they joined the crowd as well, trashing symbols of the Tsar and his autocratic regime. Things were escalating very quickly. Liberal politicians watching the riots in the streets had long been dissatisfied with the Tsar since he would shut their parliament down anytime they did something he didn't like. They believed the only way to bring stability back to the streets was for Nicholas II to abdicate. The riots continued, the police fired on soldiers, soldiers fired on soldiers, the workers re-established the Petrograd Soviet, politicians began arresting the Tsar's ministers. He may have been an autocrat, but he just lost complete control of his capital city. Talk about embarrassing.

Russian: Nicholas, the troops have turned against us. The people have taken over the city. They've even cut my phone line.

Nicholas II: Hello? Hello? The phones are down. Things must be bad. I'd better go back there.

Narrator: Nicholas hopped on the next train back to Petrograd, but he never made it to the city. His train was met by military generals and other politicians.

Nicholas II: What's going on?

Military general: Nicholas... look, man. We need to talk. It's not you, it's us. ... (Angrily) Aw, who am I kidding? No, it's definitely you.

Narrator: During the whole crisis in Petrograd, the liberals convinced the generals that if Nicholas abdicated, the people would come down and the generals were onboard. They didn't have time to quilt the chaos because don't forget, they were still losing a global all-encompassing war against the Germans, and with the military no longer on his side, Nicholas had no choice but to step down. Throughout his entire reign, he had done everything he could to keep all the power for himself and in the end, that's exactly what left him with none. But then, there was a big question: Who would replace Nicholas? Well, his son Alexei was next in line.

Nicholas II: Hey, buddy. Daddy couldn't handle the complex, socioeconomic problems of a giant, multinational, multiethnic empire that's engaged in total war with all of Europe. You think you could give it a shot?

(blood sprinkling)

Narrator: Alexei just wasn't ready to be Tsar. Nicholas did have a brother, but given the state of the empire, he wasn't keen either. And so, 300 years of Romanov rule in Russia just kind of came to an end. The earlier 1905 Revolution hadn't changed much, but this new revolution had left Russia without a Tsar, and still, before the year was over, there would be one more revolution left to come. Nicholas's failure as Commander of the Armed Forces was the final straw that broke the camel's back. Do you think maybe you could have done any better? Well, guess what? It's time to find out in Rise of Kingdoms. Rise of Kingdoms is an ethic, massive multiplayer, free-to-play real-time strategy game. Choose from eleven historical civilizations, including Rome, China, or France. You can form alliances with other players or conquer the crap out of them in real-time strategic battles. Now, look, it's master tactician and handsome general Alexander the Great.

Alexander the Great: If you want my advice, the troop is the most important chess piece in a battle. In Rise of Kingdoms, each troop can be controlled. To win a battle, you need to utilize careful positioning through unique troop formations while using terrain to your advantage. I literally won the Battle of Gaugamela with fewer troops by using superior strategy.

Joan of Arc: You're wrong.

Alexander the Great: Joan of Arc!

Joan of Arc: That's right, noob. Listen up, I'm about to drop some knowledge. The commander's skill is way more important. Each Rise of Kingdom's commander has their own unique skill. Look at me, I've added attack and defense buffs to my troops.

Alexander the Great: Whoa.

Joan of Arc: I'm also able to cure my wounded soldiers.

Alexander the Great: Cool.

Joan of Arc: And I can increase their wood gathering speed by ten percent.

Alexander the Great: Not as cool, but okay.

Narrator: In Rise of Kingdoms, the decision is yours. Now, go ahead, choose your favorite real historical figure and lead your troops into real-time battle. Download Rise of Kingdoms now for free by clicking on the link in the description below. Join me and fifty million other online players and guide your civilization from a lowly clan into a great empire. (upbeat music) Now, where was I? Oh yeah. Hungry women, absolute chaos, and the end of the Tsar.

Bolshevik: Oh, hey, guys. Says here there's been a revolution and the reign of the Tsar has ended.

Vladimir Lenin: Oh, come on. I missed another one? Why am I even in this video?

Bolshevik: Well, it's not like you could have done anything. As long as there's a World War, you can't get back to Russia.

(shattering)

German general: Who wants to start a rebubublution—I mean, rebublu, revolution—Dang it!

Narrator: Despite getting rid of Nick, Russia was still at war with half of Europe. The Germans, however, had an idea. They thought that if they helped Lenin get back, he'd cause trouble for the new Russian government, so they put them on a train, destination: Petrograd. It was a long journey, and while Lenin was cooked up in his train, things in Russia were changing. Workers were taking control of their factories, soldiers were socking it to their mean old officers. Without a Tsar, a big old power vacuum had opened up, and someone needed to fill it. The liberals proposed they be in charge, and they set up the Provisional Government. The workers, however, had already begun establishing local Soviets largely controlled by the Social Revolutionaries and the Mensheviks, and since neither felt like they had the power to oust the other, Russia ended up in a classic dual-power conundrum. The two co-existed with the Provisional Government becoming the official government and the elected Soviets issuing orders to the workers and soldiers. This power balance was delicate, and all it would take is one bold revolutionary to come along and give everyone a big-brain beatdown.

Liberal: Oh, boy. Lenin's coming home. I can't wait for them to see all the great things we've accomplished.

Artist: And I'm gonna show him my fanart. Oh, look. Here he comes now.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

Vladimir Lenin: Shut up, SHUT UP! You all suck! The Provisional Government sucks, the Soviet sucks, even your fanart sucks!

(crowd sobbing)

Disappointed artist: Why does he have to be so mean?

Narrator: In case you couldn't tell, Lenin wasn't a fan of everything that had been happening. In his April thesis, he called the Provisional Government and the Soviets a bunch of "big bourgeois bozos," and he kind of had a point. There was still a lot for the Russian people to be mad about: the Provisional Government hadn't gotten Russia out of the war, the people were still hungry, and the peasants were still hoping to get more land. Meanwhile, the Soviets hadn't done much to change things either, but even though they weren't perfect, a lot of people did like what the new government had been doing. There was progress: the secret police were disbanded, the death penalty abolished, they even planned to hold elections, meaning for the first time ever, the Russian people could choose their own government. To many, Lenin seemed like some out-of-touch weirdo. If Lenin wanted to go from whiny, irrelevant zero to a hunky, communist hero, he'd need to shake things up a bit, so he and the Bolsheviks came up with a hot new slogan that promised to give the people what the Provisional Government wouldn't: Peace. Don't like war? Well, end it. Land. You want land? We'll give it to you. Bread. Hungry? Scooby Dooby Doo. Lenin also called for all power to the Soviets, which meant getting rid of the Provisional Government and having the Soviets run the place, a communist dream. The people liked these slogans and bit by bit, the Bolsheviks became more popular. Some Mensheviks even began switching sides, but even though the people thought Lenin's slogans rocked, as long as the Provisional Government didn't mess up, they'd continue to support it, so let's check in on the Provisional Government.

(The building is on fire)

Narrator: Oh, Provisional Government, you've made a big mess. The Provisional Government lasted for just nine months, but those nine months were chaos. The people wanted Russia out of WW1, but Minister of War Alexander Kerensky thought,

Alexander Kerensky: Instead of doing that, why not do the exact opposite?

Narrator: If the people saw more Russian victories, they'd have to support the new government, and that went just about as well as you might expect. These heavy defeats worsened the Russian economy and made the hungry people hungrier, and by now, I think you know what comes next. They trashed the place. More looting, more riots, more violence. It was like the Tsar had never abdicated. Tens of thousands of armed workers took to the streets during some of the worst violence Petrograd had seen yet, and in response, Kerensky called in the troops, who opened fire on the demonstrators. For now, Lenin and other Bolshevik leaders wanted to distance themselves from the violence, but the crowds marched under Bolshevik slogans and as a result, Kerensky, now the prime minister, took the opportunity to step down on the Bolsheviks: their leaders were arrested, Lenin was accused of being a German agent, and he was forced to flee to Finland in disguise.

Vladimir Lenin: This sucks! Now I'll never get to have my revolution!

Finnish person: Why are you wearing a dress?

Vladimir Lenin: It's a disguise, idiot! ... (Quickly) And it makes me feel pretty.

Narrator: Kerensky had successfully dealt with the violence, but he just couldn't catch a break. This increasing support for more extreme forms of socialism, along with the poor handling of the war, alarmed traditional liberals and bougie business boys. To appease them, Kerensky decided to promote a military legend to Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces; someone who hated the revolution, loved the death penalty, and was devoutly anti-socialist: General Kornilov.

Lavr Kornilov: Hey, man. Thanks for the promotion! That was real swell of you.

Alexander Kerensky: Of course! With you by my side, who would dare try to overthrow me?

Lavr Kornilov: How about me?

Alexander Kerensky: I did not see this coming.

Narrator: Unfortunately for Kerensky, Kornilov hated the liberal and socialist reforms of the new government, particularly the dumb socialist soldiers committees. The army was no place for undisciplined, left-wing snowflakes. Fearing a Bolshevik takeover was imminent, Kornilov ordered his men towards Petrograd to oust the soviet and take over. Kerensky freaked out, and he needed help. Since he knew Trotsky was finger-licking good at organizing, he and other Bolshevik leaders were released, and they, along with the Soviet, organized the Defense of Petrograd. Kornilov had the power of soldiers, but the Soviet had the power of workers, and they did what workers do best. Railroad workers diverted Kornilov's men away, telegraph workers messed with his communications, they even infiltrated his forces, and encouraged the demoralized men to desert. They were also armed on mess, but in the end, no fighting was necessary because Kornilov's coup just fell apart, and Kornilov was sent straight to prison. Everything was coming up Kerensky.

Alexander Kerensky: Hey, thanks for the help, boys. Couldn't have done it without you. Now that there's no longer any threat, how about you return all those guns I gave you?

Leon Trotsky: Hmm... no.

Alexander Kerensky: OOOoOoh NOoOoOo!

Narrator: In order to kill a rat, Kerensky had just given a gun to a bear, a Bolshevik bear. The whole affair was a huge propaganda win for them. They had defended the revolution, and their popularity skyrocketed. They found themselves elected to the Petrograd in Moscow Soviets with Trotsky even becoming chairman in Petrograd. They were now in a very powerful position, almost powerful enough for Lenin to return home from Finland and finally stage his glorious, communist revolution. The Bolsheviks began planning their takeover of the Russian government. Some got cold feet and began arguing against Lenin's armed revolution in favor of a more peaceful approach, and they even wrote newspaper articles about it, which kind of gave the whole scheme away.

Alexander Kerensky: The Bolsheviks are planning an armed revolution? ... I did not see this coming.

Narrator: Kerensky began arresting Bolsheviks and as a result, Lenin and the boys felt they had no choice but to commence the revolution right now. Lenin was back in Petrograd but was still in hiding, so Trotsky got the ball rolling, using his position as Soviet Chairman to organize the Bolshevik militias. Now, if you were to ask Soviet artists, the revolution went something like this.

(Soviet anthem plays)

Narrator: As much as they would like you to think it was a glorious, violent, heroic takeover, the truth seems to be a little more underwhelming. The Bolsheviks just kind of walked into key buildings in the city and took control. Bolshevik-supporting sailors even brought in a huge battleship, but there wasn't really any fighting. Nobody really tried to stop them. In just one day, they took control of the city. Next, Kerensky just managed to escape before the Bolsheviks surrendered the Winter Palace, placing the Provisional Government under siege inside.

Vladimir Lenin: Is it safe to come out yet?

Bolshevik: I think so.

Vladimir Lenin: Fear my revolutionary might! (Takes a lollipop from a girl) Give me that.

Narrator: That night, Lenin came out of hiding to play a bigger role in the revolution. With him back at the helm, they had one more job to do: storm the Winter Palace and arrest the Provisional Government, and here comes the final showdown. The palace was defended by a force known as the Battalion of Death, who immediately gave up, and just like that, Lenin had won. As far as violent, bloody, revolutionary uprisings go, this wasn't really one of them, but Lenin was finally in charge of Russia. He had spent his whole life dreaming of this moment. He set up the first council of People's Commissars, his own cabinet with him in charge. This was it: his chance to finally make his communist utopia with equality and freedoms beyond compare.

Bolshevik: Hey, Lenin. Before we took power, they were planning on holding elections. Shall we go ahead with those?

Vladimir Lenin: Of course! You can't have a communist utopia without high levels of political participation. The proletariat should be free to—

Bolshevik: We lost.

Vladimir Lenin: What?

Bolshevik: The social revolutionaries won; we lost.

Vladimir Lenin: Those don't count.

Narrator: Lenin claimed the elections were unfair and the constituent assembly they created was counterrevolutionary. He presented the new assembly with an ultimatum that basically said, "sign here and give up your power," and when the assembly was like,

Social revolutionaries: No.

Narrator: Lenin said,

Vladimir Lenin: See, they're disobeying me, proof they're counterrevolutionary. Shut it down, boys.

Narrator: Moderate Socialists and others weren't happy when Lenin had the assembly closed by force, and when computers began taking to the streets, they were fired upon. For Lenin, setting up a communist utopia was looking suspiciously like setting up a dictatorship. While he was implementing many of the communist policies you'd expect, he was also refusing to work with other political parties and cracking down on opposition.

Assassin: Hey, Lenin. Are you setting up a dictatorship? I'll shoot you if you are!

Vladimir Lenin: Of course not. What a crazy idea. Anyway, I'm pleased to announce I'm setting up a secret police force to repress and kill traitors, and by traitors, I of course mean anyone not loyal to me.

(Gunshots)

Vladimir Lenin: OWIEOWIEOWIEOWIE—

Narrator: The assassination attempt made on Lenin's life in August 1918 failed, but in response, the Bolsheviks ramped up their oppression, but while all of this chaos was erupting back home, Lenin and the boys were also distracted by another problem: they were still at war with the Germans, and they had promised to give the people peace, so Linen made Trotsky Commissar for Foreign Affairs and sent him off to negotiate a peace deal with the Germans. The Germans offered Trotsky really harsh terms, you know, 'cause they were winning the war. They demanded Russia give up a butt ton of land, something that would be devastating to the economy.

Vladimir Lenin: Look, I know it's not great, but I think we have to accept it.

Bolshevik: Are you insane? This will ruin us. Hey, Trotsky. You got a big brain. What do you think?

Leon Trotsky: How about "no war, no peace?"

Bolshevik: What's that, Mr. Trotsky, sir?

Leon Trotsky: It's simple. "No war" means we'll stop fighting the Germans, but "no peace" means we won't sign the peace treaty either. Then, when the Germans see we've just stopped fighting, they'll have to leave us alone or something.

Vladimir Lenin: Trotsky, that's genius. I could kiss you. Do you want me to kiss you?

Leon Trotsky: Stop asking me that.

Narrator: Trotsky's "no war, no peace" plan was a huge success. Oh, wait. No, just kidding. It went exactly as you'd imagine. When the Germans saw the Russians had stopped fighting, they slammed 700,000 troops deep into Russian territory with no resistance. Now, the new peace treaty offered by Germans was way worse, with Russia losing a huge amount of territory, population, and resources. The Bolsheviks had no choice but to accept, and Russia was humiliated. With Petrograd now in an exposed position, Lenin moved the capital to Moscow, just in case. Things really weren't going well for Lenin, and many, many people were extremely unhappy with the Bolshevik government and its actions.

Bolshevik: Lenin, you pissed off so many people that they've united against you. We're under attack.

Vladimir Lenin: Relax, we always expected some counter-revolutionary pushback. I think we can handle a few angry monopoly men.

Bolshevik: But, Lenin. It's not just the monopoly men.

Vladimir Lenin: Okay, who are we up against?

Bolshevik: Well, the liberals, the Social Revolutionaries, national separatists in Poland, Finland, and Ukraine, independent warlords setting up chiefdoms, anarchist rebels, the Green Peasant Armies, the Cossacks, the Caucasian States, the Baltic States, the British, the French, the Americans, and the Japanese. Oh, and it legions of Czechoslovakian soldiers seem to have taken over the Trans-Siberian railway and stolen all the imperial gold reserves.

Vladimir Lenin: What? How could this get any worse?

Bolshevik: Oh, and it says here your mother-in-law's coming to stay.

Vladimir Lenin: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Narrator: A variety of Bolshevik forces had united together to topple Lenin's government, and Russia descended into a full-blown civil war. Now, the Russian Civil War was extremely intricate and would really need its own video, but essentially, the Anti-Bolshevik White Movement gained control of vast, underdeveloped areas, while the Bolshevik Reds controlled the industrial heartland. Using this to their advantage, along with the surprising military genius of Trotsky and the shocking disorganization of the White Army, the fortified Red Army gradually came out on top. It was an absolutely brutal conflict with both sides committing horrendous atrocities. To maintain order at home, the Bolsheviks began the Red Terror, and the secret police would execute tens of thousands of suspected traitors. No one was safe from the violence, not even Nicholas himself. You've probably been wondering what Nicholas has been up to this whole time. Well, after his abdication, he and his family were placed under house arrest. At first, they were allowed to live in their usual luxury, but after Lenin took over, their conditions worsened. The Bolsheviks were just holding on to Nick until they could work out what to do with him, but the civil war complicated things. The last thing they wanted was for Nick to be freed by the White Armies. And so, to stop this from happening, Nicholas's Bolshevik guards decided to act. It's not entirely certain whether Lenin ordered it or if the guards were acting on their own volition, but on July 17, 1918, with White Armies approaching, they woke Nicholas and his family in the middle of the night and brought them into the basement. There, a drunken squad of Bolsheviks murdered the entire family. Nicholas, the last Tsar, once one of the most powerful men alive, had met a brutal end. But after years of fighting and millions of deaths, Trotsky in his Red Army came out victorious.

Vladimir Lenin: Wow, that was a close one. Okay, back to creating a communist utopia. How are we doing on that?

Bolshevik: Well, the civil war helped create a massive famine, and about 5 million people starved to death. There's massive inflation, and the Ruble is worthless. Hundreds and hundreds of kilometers of railway track have been destroyed, disease and epidemics have killed 3 million, the population in Moscow and Petrograd has collapsed, life expectancies has plummeted, sailors in Kronstadt are rebelling, people are freezing to death in their own apartments, and life has been reduced to a constant search for food and shelter.

Vladimir Lenin: Whoa. Well, this just means I'll have to work twice as hard, day and night, to save the country. Nothing will stop me, short of a couple of sudden strokes.

(Lenin has a stroke)

Vladimir Lenin: Get the doctor.

Narrator: One thing you have to keep in mind is that everything I've been talking about—the civil war, the assassination attempt, and Lenin's struggle to maintain control at home—were all happening around the same time, and it must have been extremely stressful. Lenin began getting headaches, insomnia, and, in 1922, he suffered two separate strokes. As the Soviet Union was officially declared under a strict, one-party system, Lenin's health continued to decline, and his ability to lead the Communist Party went with it. Everybody assumed Trotsky would succeed him. He was a great speaker, he won the civil war, and he had a dope-ass train. The last person anyone expected to take over was Stalin. Stalin wasn't a great intellectual like Lenin or charismatic war hero like Trotsky. He was, as one Menshevik described him, "a gray blur," someone who operated in the background, someone who you might not even notice, *ding* but it was in the background that Stalin would rise to power. Here's how it happened: after the revolution, all the Bolsheviks hoped to get a cool job in the new government.

Joseph Stalin: What did you get?

Leon Trotsky: Commissar for War. Sweet! What'd you get?

Joseph Stalin: Secretary...

(Bolsheviks laughing)

Narrator: Stalin was made General Secretary of the Communist Party. It wasn't what he wanted, but Stalin quickly realized that even though it wasn't fancy, it was a powerful position. As secretary, he had the power to give people jobs within the party, so he would give jobs to all of his pals, who in turn would give them their support. The more pals he gave jobs, the more power he got. The more power he got, the more pals he got. Lenin may have been having multiple strokes, but he was still involved in the party, and he was taking notice. He wasn't a fan of Stalin abusing his position or insulting his wife to her face. Lenin knew he couldn't let Stalin take over, but by this stage, he was just too sick to fight it.

Vladimir Lenin: Hey, man. Tell whoever's in charge of giving people jobs not to let that jerk Stalin become the next leader. By the way, who did I put in charge of giving people jobs?

Bolshevik: That would be Stalin, sir.

(Lenin dies)

Bolshevik: Whoa, deja vu.

Narrator: Lenin's last wish was to not let Stalin take over, but by the time he died, Stalin was too powerful to remove. He had his remaining opponents arrested or killed. Trotsky was banished and fled to Europe. Eventually, he would be assassinated by Soviet spies in 1940.

Russian: Our dear comrade Lenin has died. We should have a state funeral.

Joseph Stalin: No, let's mummify him and put them on display so people can look at his dead body forever.

Russian: That's gross.

Joseph Stalin: You're gross! Guards, kill him!

Narrator: Lenin had waited so long to take control in Russia, but he never got to see his communist utopia. His short time in charge was spent dealing, with the destroyed Russian economy, WW1, and the civil war. He was cruel and merciless, but he really did seem to believe communism would make Russia a better place. Stalin, on the other hand, would take the Soviet Union down a different path. If you thought Lenin was a tyrant, well, you ain't seen nothing yet, girl. A secret police state, a rapidly militarizing superpower led by a paranoid man who deeply distrusted the West would see the world come to the brink of nuclear annihilation. That's right, I'm talking about (dramatic sound).

(Outro)

Narrator: Remember to click the link in the description below to download Rise of Kingdoms for free. Fight alongside allies, conquer their players, and use superior tactics to emerge victorious in a strategic battle royale. Again, click on the link in the description below, and I'll see you there.

(upbeat music)